her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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