On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
