so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
