Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
