I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
