i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
