i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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