omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize