Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
