I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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