Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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