only you would photoshop your dick
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize