I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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