I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
