I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Non-Jews are for practice
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
