in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize