Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
