1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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