Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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