Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
