I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Buhtt sex?
even my farts smell like vagina
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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