Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
