Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
