I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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