At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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