Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
