Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
