Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
