I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
