Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He better not be in your backpack
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize