you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
