I think I am morally bankrupt
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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