Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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