You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
