im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
