my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize