I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
