woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
