3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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