I can text with my tongue
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
