Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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