I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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