Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
