I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The uberlube is also flammable
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
