Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
