Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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