dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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