I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize