who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
