i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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