Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
