Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
