There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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