GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
