Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
