And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
