I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
