I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
